15/06/09 super down

Well… after a long time I leave my BlogSpot, I still so down and exhausted. Actually 2 weeks after my yip oh pass away my granduncle was also passed away and the funeral possession is the day before my birthday. I was like walking alone in the world… after a month, I was on the way recovering and yet many of my friend was told me that my birthday already passed, good luck is coming and I guess so, is like getting better until the 9 June last Tuesday, I received a call from my auntie at KL and she told my her mother is passed away… god bless me~~~
Total of 3 funerals I had attended within 2 months… I’m totally lost. I guess no one understand my feeling right now, other than ah siah. Thanks her so much for her accompanied and concern. Yea is just the matter of time, it will cure me while times pass by. From the first funeral until now I got no time to fully recover my emotion, I guess none of my family know how depress and am I, don’t know how profound these funeral effect me, my heart, emotional and also mentality…

To be more accurate my mum side is total of 3 people dead and my father side is 1 person… yi poh and kim poh is the most hurts I had… Is because I use to stay and live with them… near to them… keep on seeing each other … and I know how much my yi poh love me… and yes I MISS HER TOO~~~

1. 27 march 2009 – ah gu (grandma’s sister’s son, mum’s cousin)
2. 11 April 2009 – yi poh (grandma’s sister)
3. 25 April 2009 – tiou kong (grandma’s brother in-law, dad’s uncle)
4. 9 June 2009 – Kim poh (grandma’s sis in-law)

Total of 3 person on my grandma side within 100 days… SIGH~~~~ I feel like god is playing a big fool with me, one of my friends was told me that this is to train my become more stronger, I should said this all make me getting weaker… from march till now I don’t have any single days to rest my mind, worry a lot of things… think this and that…. Dear beloved ask me not to think so much… but then how? Feel like committed suicide…because I don’t feel like accept anyone I love leave me again…

I’m now having phobia… phobia of death, coffin, funeral… and also graveyard and tombstone, is kind of scared of it, hate it…. I really scared of one day I got to accept my grandma pass away, my parents, my kuku, my close friends…. It was like killing me, I rather I’m the one sleep on the coffin and leave you all, it’s very heavy and hard for us to accept our loves one leave us…

The reason why I have developed a phobia of funerals is because I realized that one day it would be me…..sitting in front of the casket, crying out my eyes for my parents, other family member or close friend… and I hated that feeling. My conclusion is that I have developed a phobia……& there is no remedy. Yea, time… only it will cure me from the pain~~~ so hopefully from today onwards I will update my news daily… and no more bad news here…. Or else I really not dare what will happen next… I love you all~~ rest in peace, god blesses you….